3 months . . .

and what i have learned. not a whole lot, except that i am not good at keeping things up. truly this is a hard and interesting lesson to learn. it makes you face a lot things about yourself; things you may not like when you dig deep. this is my confession time. here are some things that i have learned about myself or at least started to acknowledge in the past three months.

cconfession #1: i really don't like talking on the phone! - this one may seem fairly innocent, but truly it was bothering me. sometimes, i purposefully don't answer my cell phone should it ring, and will check to see who is calling when my home phone rings. i know, most people already do this, but most will pick up and talk to their family and friends, but not me! no, i will listen to it ring, and listen to the message, and then if i really feel that i have to, i will pick up and call back. i am actually relieved at times to get voicemail, because then i don't have to speak directly to anyone. i don't trust phone conversations. i can't see what people are doing and they can't see me. what if they are making fun of me? am i making fun of them? honestly, i am sometimes. i get this from my father, a notoriously horrible phone conversationalist. here is an example of a call to my dad:

dad - "this is bill. can i help you?"

heather - "hi, dad it's me."

dad - "hey, heather. how are you?"

heather - "good, and you?"

dad - "works sucks as usual, but other than that everything is fine."

heather - "sorry to hear that. i was just calling to check in."

dad - "that's great."

silence

silence

heather - "well that's really all i was calling for. have a great day!"

dad - "you too. talk to you again soon."

click

so, i have decided to be ok with myself about this weird hang-up. (pun intended) i am trying to find a balance between not answering and answering the phone, but more often than not, i am not going to answer. this does not mean that you are not important to me. i don't even answer for my husband many times, and he is really important to me. this simply means that my mind cannot handle any more information or dialogue. it seems that i have conversations going on in there constantly, with myself, and sometimes that is all i can handle.

confession #2: i have people who come in and clean my house once a month and we have people who come and do our yard twice a month. guilt is a big issue for me, and it takes shape in many ways. one of those ways was how my house and yard looked. if you know me, then you know that i am not a neat freak. now, sometimes, i will try to fool a few of you, but it has never worked successfully. i just don't have the knack for cleaning and straightening that my mother was blessed with. and yes, it is a blessing even though i used to think it was a curse. to be able to organize magazines, kitchen cupboards, refigerators, and storage space takes true genius. i sadly do not posses this genius, and showed my jealousy by rebelling against it in one form or fashion. my freshmen year at college, i did not vacuum my carpet or change my sheets for a whole semester. yes, ewww, groossss, i was worse than a boy. i have decided that, really, i have just been angry my whole life at not having this gift. my husband however, realized this in me, as he reads me better than i read myself, and one day bestowed upon me the greatest gift - a house cleaning service.

i truly thank God for them every time they come, and tell Him to bless them amazingly for the gifts that they have. they come in and turn my messy and disorganized home into a neat and clean-smelling bastion of organization. well they put things in neater and easier to find piles. we have also hired people to mow, edge, weed-eat, and trim our yard and everything in it. it, too, now looks cared for and neat. i have learned that it is ok to not be blessed with the gift of organization and neatness, as others in the world have, and they should be able to help me with it if they so wish. i have many other gifts that i use in my life that the Lord has given me.

i know there are many more topics that i could get into right now, but it is hard to share such personal information all at once. don't worry, i will return, and hopefully three months will not have gone by, but take this thought with you - nobody's perfect! it gets me through the day.