air. sick.

these two little words say so much. what do they say, you ask? well, to me it sums up three days of my life. now, three days may not seem like a lot, but in the grand scheme, they aren't and they are. three days, 72 hours . . .

air - it took me 11 hours to get home on sunday. i was supposed to leave lubbock, tx. at 1:30 pm. i didn't leave until almost 3. had it been a straight shot home it wouldn't have been so bad, but missing one plane then set off a horrible chain reaction that included missing other planes, having to get my bags and re-check in, and in general spend more time than i would like with other smelly, tired travellers.

in the beginning my thoughts were, "no big deal, there's no need to get anxious; what would that help anyway." that was the zoloft talking! but, upon arrival in houston, zoloft ideals flew out the window. the air conditioner had to have been broken, because it was at least 80 degrees in the airport, and there was construction everywhere. i haven't told what i was traveling in, because it did not become an issue until this point in time. i was wearing, and it was fabulous, this gorgeous dress my mom had sent me from europe. it was flowy and colorful and it clung to me like saran wrap! (that was not a good thing) i was wearing my tall brown high-heel boots, no pantyhose, and a poncho. well, in the heat, i started to get what, in my family, we call the "vacation walk". this walk occurs when your thighs rub together too much and chafe. it is not pleasant, and there was no way to get air to the region to be able stop it from happening. so there i am, in the houston airport sweating and trying to walk in a way that my thighs won't rub together (real women's thighs touch. i am sure of this).

i had to walk to the ticket counter and stand for what seemed like an hour but was really only 55 minutes, to have the ticket agent, aka satan, tell me that i had to walk to gate 45 in terminal "c". i happened to be in terminal "a" at the time. oh yes, and i only had 15 minutes to get there to get on the flight. so, now i am running in my dress, boots, rubbing thighs, and carry-ons desperately hoping not to miss the flight. and what should happen when i get there? yup, you guessed it, the flight was delayed 45 minutes!!!!! however, once on the plane with all of the air pointed at me, i was able to rest, relax, and reflect on the more important things in life: the skymall magazine. i made my connection in dallas, which was a God-send (it was only one gate down), and was able to get home, get my bag, and get to my house at 12:15 am.

sick- this is the part that comes after spending 11 hours trying to make it home, and having to get up at 5:45 the same morning to go to work. i have to tell you, my readers, that i very rarely get sick. and when i do get sick, it is awful. it doesn't help that i am a huge baby when i am sick either. i felt bad even before my alarm went off. do any of you have that disease? you know, the one where you wake up two or three minutes before your alarm goes off! i hate it! so, at 5:43 i open one eye and see the time, and all i want is to die. but, i am a trooper. i got up, showered, and got ready and headed off for school. i walked in the doors and wanted to vomit. (no, i am not pregnant!) i go to our wonderful sub mistress and ask her if there is any way that she can get me a substitute for the day because i didn't feel that i would be able to last all day. being the wonderful woman that she is, she scrounged and searched and came up with a wonderful sub. ahh, i got to go home. that was when the real trouble began.

my illness is hard to explain. it was not the flu, because i was not running a fever. i wasn't coughing, nor did i have a runny nose. my problem was, i thought that my back was being broken in two. it didn't matter how i laid or sat or stood up, my back was in constant pain. i have been to the doctor for this before. they have never been able to tell me definitively what it is. they basically just say, "sucks to be you; you just have to suffer." advil and tylenol pm are my comfort during this hour of need. that and crying to my husband about how i want my mommy. my emotional barrier is thin to begin with, but you get me sick, and there is no barrier. the flood gates open and don't close until they are dry and exhausted. this is a compliment to my husband, that he doesn't smother me with a pillow during these times. he figures that it doesn't happen very often, or he would be tempted.

by tuesday, i was able to rest some and start to feel better. i took the day off for good measure. i don't want to risk a relapse! wednesday dawned and i was back at school. piles of papers on my desk and feelings that i was a year behind where i should be. luckily for me there was only one more day of school that week. i know, my life can be very difficult.

looking back at those days, i think, "man! i am a big baby!" i have never been a big one on pain, and try to avoid it all costs. so any pain felt is bad and sends me back to kindergarten wanting my mommy. as for the airports and flying. as my husband will attest, i have horrible luck when traveling alone. so, yes, precious moments of my life were lost, never to be returned. what would i have done with those hours you ask? watched tv, eaten cookies, or slept. so, were they really wasted? i read a good book, reflected on my life, learned to try to have patience, and was able to emotionally empty and then refill myself. all in all, not a total waste.

do lazy aerobics count?

i try to work out at least three times a week. i do this great video called "yoga power fusion". i really love it. you do some yoga, tai chi, pilates, and chi gong (i have no clue what that is). well, i try to do these aerobics at 5 am, as that is the only time i feel i can do them. i teach from 8-3 and then have play practice until 5 or 6. by the time i get home, all i want to do is eat and go to sleep. so anyway, back to the 5 am workout. i have been doing really well with it since december. i thought i would get a jump on new years since if it was a new years resolution, i would feel like i would just break it. this way i have fooled my mind into thinking that this is what i am supposed to do. well, monday morning i get up at 5 and head out to start my aerobics. well, i am just so tired, that it is hard to do them. at times i would simply stop and flop on the floor. eventually, i would get up and continue wherever they where in the video. i even fast forwarded some parts, because i knew i did not have the energy to do them. all in all i probable only worked out for 20-25 of the 45 minutes. so, i ask you. is it worth it? is it enough to make the effort and try but not fully complete the workout? yes, it is best to work hard and finish and not give up, but i ask you, is it still beneficial to do a lazy workout?

1993 . . .

welcome back to conversations with myself! (applause, please) well, it has been a while, but we are so glad that you could make it back. we have a special guest for you today . . . drum roll please! it is the heather of 1993!! yes sir, ladies and gentlemen, she is here today in our studios ready to talk about . . . well herself. so let's not prolong this any further let's get right to the questions.

heather - wow! it has been a while since i have seen you. over ten years. how have you been?

heather '93 - well, like, i have been fine, but what has happened to you. did you gain weight?

heather - uh . . . uh . . . oh, you were always a joker weren't you. she's funny isn't she, audience?

heather '93 - i am not trying to be funny, i was just, like, asking a question. because if you think i am going to let myself look like that in ten years, well, like, whatever.

heather - a lot can happen in ten years, and i think i look pretty stinkin good. now, do you have anything positive to say?

heather '93 - what are you, like, my mother?

heather - (silence)

heather '93 - alright, alright, that is pretty cool hair! mom would never let me do that right now. you still have pretty good fashion sense, too. how was that?

heather - and . . .

heather '93 - alright, you are not really fat. sheesh, like, i was just making a joke. whatever, talk to the hand if you are going to be that sensitive about things.

heather - i am glad you said that. that is exactly what i brought you here to talk about.

heather '93 - what? fat? because, i totally was just kidding. you are not fat.

heather - no, not the fat. about being sensitive to things. you know, like, how people feel about you and what they think. (did i just say, like! this could be a disaster for me as an english teacher.) you know, insecurities!

heather '93 - dude, i totally know about insecurities. i got, like, a ton of them.

heather - why? what are they? where did they come from? do you like my shoes?

heather '93 - i don't know. am i pretty enough? will boys like me? what will i look like in ten years? guess you answered that one for me. what is important and what is not? i don't know. and, yeah, i guess they're ok. i don't know that i would have picked them out, but they match the outfit.

heather - really, you wouldn't have picked them out. oh, well, tastes change over time, because i wouldn't be caught dead wearing those huge jeans anymore. they do nothing for your figure.

heather '93 - hey, you know what? i am, like, totally in style. so . . . shut up!

heather - i'm sorry, i'm sorry, that is not what we are here to talk about. really? you don't know why you are full of insecuritites?

heather '93 - well, it might be because every time we move, and you know how much we move, i have to start all over again. new house, new school, new kids to try to impress so that they will like me. that could have something to do with it.

heather - but, didn't you enjoy moving around? i thought i did.

heather '93 - i really did, but, like, it was just hard at first. there were, like, a lot of firsts. don't you remember? having to stand, totally emberassed in front of the class and say your name and where you're from. having on the totally wrong clothes, because, like,they dress differently there, and let's not forget eating lunch alone for the first week. it was really, really hard sometimes.

heather - now that you mention it, it was hard at first. but why did the insecurities stay? didn't it get easier?

heather '93 - like,yeah, it totally got easier, but you just always wondered who your real friends were, and yes, i admit it, sometimes you want to ditch those that will be your friends for the cool kids you wish were your friends. you're, like, so totally torn sometimes. ya know?

heather - yeah, i know. remembering back, probably the most comfortable i was with myself was college. it was as if all the world was right. i liked myself, my friends, the freedom. remember this when things are bad. it will get better.

heather '93 - yeah, but then it sounds like it gets worse! yuck!, what is it like know. what is so difficult. your're married. right? can i see a picture of him, you know just so . . . anyway, you have have a job, and a house. like, what's the matter with you?

heather - ok, when you put it that way, yeah, things sound great. but it's a lot of pressure there. money becomes a huge issue. also, living with a boy can be such a pain sometimes. they really are so gross! the responsibilites of life are sometimes just overwhelming! and don't get me started on working.

heather '93 - why? what do we do?

heather - we teach. and we love it, but it is stressful at times and very time consuming. it's a balancing act now, trying fit in everything that i want to do along with the things i have to do.

heather '93 - ok, ok, ok, enough of the negative, you gotta, like totally, give me something posotive to end on. i can't go back thinking my life is one big blah!! gross. and please tell me that we get cute. no more braces and stringy hair!!

heather - ok, really and truly, i love my life, my husband, my job, my friends, my family. so saying that, life is pretty good, and i really don't have anything to be insecure about. i am, like, totally cute, with an adorable husband. i march to beat of my own drum in many ways: the way i dress, teach, act. here is my advice to you. don't be normal! it is not who we are. we are a drama queen, with ecclectic but fabulous fashion sense. thank you for talking to me, it has really helped me get some perspective. to see my life then and know is interesting. how do you feel?

heather '93 - slightly confused honestly! this future is not what i expected. where are the flying cars and cool metallic clothing? this is the 21st century, right? where's buck rogers? it's kind of lame if you ask me, and further more . . .

heather - well, that's all we have time for today folks. hope you enjoyed the show. see or write to you next time. and remember: "there's no where you've been that you can't go back in time" (whatever that means)